it ain't easy

Posted on | Monday, April 30, 2012 | No Comments

life is tough.  i don't know why i thought i would just breeze through my life like it's the easiest thing. i've had to work really hard at my relationships. i've noticed that once things get too heated in any situation i just tune out. it seems to work with my friends and acquaintances but not so much with my husband and family. marriage is hard y'all. i can't seem to wrap my mind around the whole thing and i've been married for eight plus years. i guess a lot has to do with how young we were when we were married and how much we've grown as individuals since then. many of the issues i have with how our marriage works has to do with my rigidness. i don't allow enough room to grow. i think i'm just stubborn. me, stubborn?? you don't say!
so how would you think poor Brian feels about this? well, let's just say he isn't always the happiest about the whole situation. i know i need to ease up, i know i need to take things a whole lot easier but how? how do i go with the flow? i guess that is something that i need to learn. i'm hoping that somehow with age this only improves because as we stand now, things aren't looking too good.

now, about my family. i'm absolutely horrible with my parents. i don't know what has happened to me. all they ever want to do is help and i treat them like they are just holding me back. i love my parents so dearly and am truly blessed to have them both in my life. Enzo has the most amazing relationship with both my mom and dad but especially with my dad. they compliment each other so well and he is just so gentle with him. i know something needs to change i can't just tune out of these relationships, i know it's my job to work on keeping myself accountable and available for my family. this is very difficult for me so it will take some effort but in the end i do need to work on this. i need to make the most of my life and my family.

It Never Stops Hurting {part 3}

Posted on | Monday, April 9, 2012 | No Comments

{read Part 1, Part 2}
what started as a shopping trip for a new sports bra led to buying a pregnancy test. this was crazy, there was no possible way i was pregnant.

rewind 2 days. we had just gotten into a wicked argument over me not having eaten all day because i was helping a friend for her wedding. this wedding, my husband really didn't want to be at but i made him come with me. so there we were, me feeling dizzy/nauseous him angry/furious having an all out argument. we attended the wedding and left early because it felt like i was going to pass out. we went to In N Out and i scarfed down some animal style fries. i should have known then right?

back to the story... i got home and took the test. + for POSITIVE. how, when, what? No, this has to be a mistake. so i sent Brian out to buy a digital kind of test. i drank some water to get the pee flowing again and this time it read PREGNANT. tears of shock, fear, happiness started coming on. i was so scared this was a mistake. at any moment this could just be a memory of something that could have been.

 as my pregnancy progressed i felt so truly blessed but that fear never left, not until the day Enzo was born. i had my little boy in my arms i felt complete, like this was what was meant to be. would i be so greedy to ever ask for anything more?

see here is the thing, i felt greedy. i enjoyed every last second of my pregnancy and labor. i wanted to be given the opportunity to experience it again. what would the chances be of this happening again? i know there are so many women out there that have not and may never experience what i have experienced as a pregnant woman. so this makes me think i should be grateful for what i have and leave it at that. it's not fair, it never will be fair. some women can have babies without ever having to try. i know i have a child of my own but it just never stops hurting knowing that i will live with the desire and hope to have another child the way it felt when i wanted a first child.

from the moment we wanted to have a baby we never prevented it from happening. even now, we've been letting nature take it's course. still, every month that goes by and i get my period just puts me in quite an awful state of sadness.

maybe i am greedy, maybe i want more than i need and maybe it will literally never stop hurting. for now though, i will enjoy every last second of time with my son because he is my miracle baby. he is the reason that i live with hope that the hurting might just stop someday.

it never stops hurting {part 2}

Posted on | Monday, April 2, 2012 | No Comments

{read part 1 here}

after three months of acupuncture it was clear to us that we were going to run out of money soon. our insurance didn't cover this type of 'fertility' treatment and there were still no signs of a baby anytime soon.  so we decided to stop seeking this type of treatment but continued to go through all the new techniques we had learned. this involved natural hormone extracts to balance me out without having to take a birth control pill, eating a high protein diet, excercising, and "making rug" at just the right time of the month. it was pretty silly when my acupuncturist was explaining my cycle and he told me to "make rug" on the following nights. at first i was like wha? and he said you "make a ruv" these specific days. OH, ok make love these days. i apologized for not understanding and he said it was ok because he did have a strong accent. so from this point on we would be "making rug", i told you it was pretty silly.

still being quite unsuccessful in all the attempts through the following year, we decided to focus on other things like buying a home. there we were in our new home, a 3 bedroom home to grow into yet we weren't really growing a family at all. so it was sad at times to think about anything baby related. any time my period would be late i would get excited and buy a pregnancy test only to see a big fat NEGATIVE. this was a pretty regular thing but we tried to not really focus on it. we really tried to make it a "if it happens, it happens" type of thing. so we continued to live our lives like normal, really enjoying the time spent with friends and family. you see, normal to us was seeing all of our friends and family starting their own families. these were the years that babies were just being born right and left. our families were growing and we were just getting by enjoying our successes at work and home.

the following year, things began to get pretty shaky. i lost my job and  everything in our life just seemed very uncertain. having a baby was definitely the last thing on our mind. i turned to weight loss to re-focus my life and goals. Brian grew very distant as if unsure what to do about the situation. it was tough. at this time i found out 2 of my cousins were pregnant with their second child. this hit me hard, that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. here i thought i actually found some sort of 'normal' some sanity for myself. i had no idea that baby fever existed until i was deep in it. i didn't want to be upset at my friends and family having kids it was just so hard to be completely happy for them. i smiled and tried my best to share in their happiness but it was no use. there was something in my heart that felt like it was breaking every time i thought of the idea that i might never have a child of my own. it hurt like the worst ache and i had no idea who i could talk to that would understand.

one month later, i would receive the craziest most unexpected news. news that would change my life forever.

{Part 3}

it never stops hurting

Posted on | Monday, March 26, 2012 | No Comments

when Brian and I decided we wanted to have a baby we figured it would be easy. i mean why wouldn't it be easy, there isn't much to it after all.

well, at one point I had been a few days late on my period and wasn't too concerned until i felt a very sharp pain followed by what i would say was a very thick blood clot. i went to the doctor right away and they determined it was not a miscarriage but would run further tests. i went in for ultrasounds (man do they make you drink a ton of water and hold it) and they concluded that my problem was cysts in my ovaries. i had no idea what that meant at the time but now i'm quite sure they meant PCOS. i did ask what it meant for me as far as having kids. the obgyn (which i had chosen randomly from the insurance provider catalog) told me i'd have to be on birth control pills until i was ready then they would put me on fertility drugs.

this really threw me for a loop. i wasn't sure what was going on but i figured if i didn't take any birth control at least there would be a chance that i could get pregnant. i let everything else just sit on the back burner until more time passed. well, time did pass and as we approached our third wedding anniversary i became increasingly worried about the whole situation. would i ever be able to have kids on my own without the help of medication? what is wrong with me and how can i fix it?

one day at work as i was talking to a co-worker about my situation, she told me to see another doctor for a second opinion. of course back then i had no clue what i was doing but if i could have given my past self advice it would have been to obviously see another doctor. she recommended her daughter's OB who is a high risk specialist. I went in and they ordered ultrasounds and when i sat down with this doctor i told him my concerns with what the original OB told me and that i would have a difficult time having kids, etc. he looked at me and gave me a hug and said your ultrasounds look fine to me  i wouldn't worry about having kids, it will happen. this really made me feel so much relief.  i just knew at that point i couldn't worry about it, that nature will take it's course and i can't rush things.

fast forward a few months and i overhear someone talking about acupuncture for TTC. 
 so i looked into it and found a great doctor who really helped me understand my body. he too was not concerned about my test results and possibility of conceiving. this made me feel so much better and i continued seeing him once a week for 3 months. i really enjoyed this because i was feeling so much better, healthy, and i was even losing some weight. i really had a feeling that this was going to be it, we were finally going to have a baby.

{to be continued... Part 2}

title: Unknown

Posted on | Thursday, March 1, 2012 | No Comments

i'm pretty unsure of what to post on here these days. it could be some form of writers block preventing me from posting. it could be that more people read this little blog than i ever expected. let me rephrase that. it could be that more people i know IRL (in real life) read this little blog. i know it shouldn't matter but it kind of does.

there is always this strange feeling of seeing friends out and knowing that they've read my thoughts online but not quite spoken to me about them. so many people know more about me than i would expect. i could track who reads my blog or i could just continue to post not caring who reads what i have to say. so for now, i have decided to remove all trackers and delete all "follower" widgets to get my mind back.

please feel free to leave comments because i always love feedback. i just know for my sanity, it's easier not knowing who has taken a peek at my writings and not mentioned a damn thing to me.

Trying to figure it all out

Posted on | Wednesday, January 11, 2012 | No Comments

i've been here and there and everywhere lately. i'm trying to figure out where my blogging fits in this sphere-o-blogs. if you didn't know already, i have a weightloss blog and a "mommy"blog over on Tumblr. i find their blogging system/interface (sorry don't know all the tech terms for such things) so easy to use and it really suits my blogging style.

my blogging style - short, to the point mini essays longer than 140 characters, shorter than a novel.

 i just feel like it works better for me over there but i would hate to leave this blog that i've had going for many years now (almost 5 years). so this is my problem. i feel really divided having so many different platforms and i never know how to keep it all straight. i want to figure a way to get all of my blogs on the same page and it could be like a Choose Your Own Adventure type thing. so once i figure it all out i will be a bit better about updating on here because i have a bunch of tutorial type posts and possible vlogs that don't quite fit into Weightloss/Mommy blogs. oy.

Also... i'm a Libra and can help many people make decisions but i'm really bad at making my own decisions. it's a curse.

Just in case you were wondering....
LosingWins
Taking on Mom

fine, i'll say it

Posted on | Friday, December 9, 2011 | No Comments

yes, i failed.  i got halfway through the month on my clothing challenge.  it was a challenging month. i won't get into it much but we did have a death in the family. this really took  me into a major funk. i'm not planning on doing any challenges for awhile because honestly, i don't have the time to. things started off really great and just ended super shitty. the end.

For the Love of Pinterest

Posted on | Tuesday, November 15, 2011 | No Comments

one of the coolest websites i've ever come across. i thought Tumblr was cool but Pinterest is cooler. ok, i still love Tumblr but i just love how the search function works on Pinterest more. one of my most recent "Pinterest Projects" was this lovely thing as my friends shower approached, i figured i'd give it a try. here is how it turned out....

3 short sleeve white onesies
3 long sleeve white onesies
1 pack of pink/green washcloths
1 fish washcloth pack
3 short sleeve colored onesies
1 pack of colorful socks
1 spool black paper ribbon
1 kids food tray


Cover in Cling Wrap, add some chopsticks, raffia ribbon and personalized the Ingredients tag.



I bought most of these items at Target.  I think it was a great success

{images from Target.com}